Primum Non Nocere

Chapter 2

Kurt was given some mandatory time off once he was finally discharged. By law, workers who had undergone a recent change in species, had been recently cursed, or otherwise had their body altered by magic beyond cosmetic changes, were required across all industries to take a month paid leave, counted separately from sick days and vacation days. It was a good practice, it gave the employer time to figure out accommodations or establish safety procedures depending on what changes had been made and it gave the employee time to learn their new limits and come to terms with what had happened to them. Kurt thought the length of time he was asked to take off was a bit excessive. There was still that bitter voice in his head that growled that his employers should have already had vampire procedures in place, but it was no longer worth getting worked up over. They would be putting things in place now and that was what mattered in the present. At least that’s what his new therapist told him.

That was another thing that had been mandated by law, he’d had to start seeing a therapist. He had introduced himself as Jeff Parker, (please, call me Jeff!). Doctor Parker was also a vampire, a younger looking guy who had been turned in the 1950’s by his at the time girlfriend during their whirlwind romance. However, the winds had died down by the 1980’s and they had amicably divorced. His therapist had then began his practice as a means to fill his now empty time. Given his far less violent turning, he was understandably horrified by Kurts’s account of his own. It seemed it was customary for most vampires to drink a small amount of blood from the wrist of their sire rather than draining them completely in a single feeding. It also turned out that on a more mundane note, his low affect and eventual violent outbursts of anger, were not uncommon symptoms of depression and he had been prescribed an SSRI.

Of course he’d also been given information on how to get blood for himself. There were banks of course, but his therapist, peeking at him still mildly terrified from behind his clipboard, had also let him know that there were places where he could legally receive blood directly from a living human as well. Kurt was already aware of this, he had been a broke college student once and some of his classmates would sell their blood when rent was tight. Though the way his therapist had looked at him when he suggested it, it was clear that this wasn’t something he suggested for all of his patients. That fear in his eyes still stuck with Kurt. Once when he was a child, he had been exploring the woods that surrounded his rural town and he’d come across an injured red wolf. He’d been lucky, it was already half dead when he found it and too weak to try and attack him. He’d spent a lot of time catching snakes and lizards, bugs and frogs, even small mammals when he was quick enough, but he had never seen an animal more frightened of him than that wolf. He recognized that same fear in the eyes of his therapist, the fear of a predator suddenly realizing it could become prey. Kurt was a marked man now, he would always be associated with the violence that had created him. To the point where his therapist had assumed apropos of nothing that he would prefer to sustain himself like an animal, drinking blood directly from the neck of his victims. He was sickened by the implication, especially since parts of it rang true. He hadn’t known how much he’d revel in the feeling of a throat between his teeth until the moment he devoured Doctor Hall. It had been utterly intoxicating even when it was an act of pure violence rather than a biological necessity. At the same time though, he was not an animal. No matter how good it felt, he was capable of self control. He was a doctor, he would not lunge across the room and tear out the throat of his therapist, no matter how tempting it was everytime the man jumped when Kurt moved too quickly for his tastes. No, instead he would take his blood from bags, sticking them in the microwave for a bit before drinking to simulate human warmth, plastic catching between his teeth.

Appearance wise, he hadn’t changed very much aside from his fangs, thank god. He noticed that he began to take on a bit of a pallor when he was hungry, but ensuring he ate regularly was enough to remedy that. That wasn’t to say he had noticed no changes however. He had been led to believe that he would feel weaker during the day but that wasn’t exactly the case. He felt normal during the day, his body moving exactly the same as it always had. At night was when he really felt different. He felt stronger, could move faster, even his sense of smell and vision became sharper. It was exhilarating, feeling himself grow stronger with every passing night. He had been afraid he would be trapped as if preserved in amber at the same state he was when he was turned, but he had found that even during the day he had been able to increase his bench towards the end of the month. At night however, the changes were much starker. Every night he could run a little faster, jump a little higher, see and hear a little more in the dark. Kurt had been going out more and more at night, tearing over rooftops and careening through public parks to feel the embrace of night. The pure animalistic joy of his muscles burning with exertion, of climbing the tallest tree or building he could find and baring his fangs to the heavens was utterly intoxicating.

Kurt had also found that Aestuo was a good confidant, better than his therapist in some ways at understanding what was going on in his head. It may have just been because of the brief period in which he occupied Kurt’s mind, but he had a suspicion the demon may have also once been human, up until fairly recently most likely. That was why he was even considering summoning him for a second time. The demon would understand why he was asking, why he needed to do it. He wouldn’t judge him too harshly for the request hopefully.

“Hey.”

“hey what’s up?”

“Would you be willing to make another deal?”

“damn, already? I figured you’d be all set to take care of that yourself now”

“Not for that.” He took a second to work up his courage before typing, “I’d like you to have sex with me.”

“????”

“I’ve got a date in a few weeks and I don’t know how I’ll respond to arousal. I don’t want to accidentally hurt him if things go well.” The demon started typing and then stopped. Then he replied, “one sec”. After a minute he began typing again. “sure I’ll do it, but my price is that I’m bringing a third. is that alright with you?”

“Who?”

“my boyfriend”

“Sorry, I didn’t even think of that. He’s alright with that then?”

“As long as he gets to watch/participate whichever you feel comfortable with.”

“What does he look like?” The demon sent a picture of a thin younger man with dark hair. If not for the short sharp horns that jutted from his forehead and the snake-like tail that rested sleepily on his lap as the demon read, Kurt would have mistaken him for a human. He sat with his legs tucked to one side almost like a deer.

“He’s cute. I’d be alright with him joining if he’s comfortable.”

“i’ll tell him the good news. in the meantime, you’re going to want to use this binding, should have about an 4ft radius. make sure you reproduce all the sigils EXACTLY”

“Do I need any specialized tools?”

“no, just take a string, tape it down and tie your chalk to the other end. perfect circle every time. maybe use a sharper knife”

“Any recommendations?”

“obsidian is the standard if you’ve got it, but some warlocks use surgical scalpels, or make their own flint knives if they’re real old school.” Kurt used to do that all the time when he was a kid. He’d seen a documentary once on stone age weapons and he’d become fascinated with the process. It was almost meditative, carefully chipping away stone until the blade trapped within the rock began to emerge. He’d actually gotten pretty damn good at it.

“Give me a couple hours. I’d prefer to wait until dark anyway.”

“already a real son of the night huh (ｰｰ;)”

“It wouldn’t be a fully accurate test if it was during the day.” Kurt didn’t like how defensive he felt typing that. It was factually true, if he had sex during the day he would be having sex just the same as he had as a human, it wouldn’t be an accurate gauge of how the animal fucked. At the same time though, he wanted to fuck as the animal. He wanted to know how it felt to take pleasure with others as a thing for which every moment was pleasure. Let the body that felt unthinkably luxurious in even the most mundane experiences of living, experience one of the strongest forms of sensuality it could. He thought carefully for a moment before typing. “It will probably be a much more heightened experience at night. I need to know whether or not I can only safely sleep with humans during the day, but I also want to know what it feels like.”

“you sure you want both of us then? that’s not going to be too much for you?” Kurt couldn’t think of anything he wanted more. If anything the animal wanted more bodies, more hands, it wanted to experience sheer hedonistic lust.

“Yes I’m sure.”

“see you in a few hours then?”

“See you.”

Kurt was able to pick up a nodule of flint and some basic knapping tools from the small magic shop near his apartment. When he was a kid he had always just used another rock and a cloth, but if he was going to be using this to draw blood, it was probably better to work with the aid of tools. At first he wasn’t quite sure where to start. The tools felt clumsy in his hands the first few times he struck the stone, his eyes not quite knowing where to look for its natural planes and points of breakage, but slowly the muscle memory returned and he could begin to see the form the flint wanted to take. After a few hours of steady knocking and shaping, he had a double edged, roughly leaf shaped, stone blade. Another few hours later, he’d attached it to a roughly carved wooden handle. He was fairly satisfied with the work, the blade was even and razor sharp, though he’d likely spend some more time later sanding the handle and staining it to make it look a little nicer. He might even spend some time making some ornamental carvings or adding inlays to it if the urge took him.

As he turned the blade over in his hand he wondered how he’d forgotten this. The pleasing tactility of making something with his own hands, that he had lost touch with as he got older. Looking at this knife that he made, it made him wonder when he had stopped making things, why he had abandoned the pursuit of craft when it gave him so much joy. Maybe he could find a wood shop or a pottery studio nearby that would allow him to use their equipment.

The sun finally disappeared below the horizon as he finished the circle according to Aestuo’s specifications. It was far more dense with sigils than the previous one he’d built, but seemed to rely on a similar base. Though this one used two base shapes, an inverted triangle once again and a circle that intersected with the midpoint of each of its sides. He also laid out a few towels on his bed, just in case. This time Kurt watched as he slit his palm, careful not to cut too deeply this time. He was no longer disgusted by the sight of it, instead his fangs lengthened in his mouth at the heady smell. While he waited for the two demons he wrapped his hand himself, his self control preventing him from having a taste. By the time he’d finished the two demons stood in the circle he’d made.

“Do you agree to abide by the terms negotiated prior to the summoning?” Aestuo’s boyfriend asked. His voice was high and smooth, almost androgynous.

“Yes.”

“That was fast.” Aestuo stepped out of the circle.

“Having the terms in writing before the actual summoning does help speed things up, yes.” The other demon followed him. His eyes landed on the Doctor. “So you’re the vampire then? Selat.” He extended his hand.

“Yes, and Kurt.” He took it.

“You look to be in good health compared to most I’ve met.” Kurt had noticed that. Most of the other vampires he’d met were skinny and, while not necessarily pale skinned, had a grayish, unhealthy, pallor to them. It seemed vampirism did not appeal to very many people that liked going outside. Either that or it might’ve been their sires tended to only choose people of similar habits and aesthetics to turn, creating a strange monoculture of people that could’ve been ballet dancers or models if not for their aversion towards leaving the house.

“I keep myself active.” He replied. “And I make sure I eat regularly.”

“No psychological aversion then?” The smaller demon asked.

“I wouldn’t begrudge a hemophiliac for needing a blood transfusion to live, why should I begrudge myself for needing to consume it?” He shrugged. “As long as it’s taken from a consenting source. Speaking of which,” Kurt turned to Aestuo. “If I try to bite either of you, shock me and we’ll stop to have a check in.”

“You don’t need to do that. It’s hot.”

“The check in is for me. I want to make sure I understand the reasons that would lead me to bite, so I don’t do it to a human.”

“Oh, okay. Could you still do it afterwards?”

“If that’s what you want, sure. Though it doesn’t feel very good.”

“It depends actually,” Selat piped up. “For willing prey it can feel extremely pleasurable.” Kurt swallowed roughly at the word “prey”. He used the word source because it was clinical, easier to separate his feelings about the act from the act itself, but “prey” made his mouth water. “Prey” made him inexcusably hard.

“You liked that didn’t you?” Aestuo’s snake-like tongue flicked from his mouth. “What aspect?” The vampire took a shuddering breath inward that his body didn’t need.

“I like the word prey.”

“You do?” The demon stood behind him, reaching around him to begin unbuttoning his pants. “You like the idea of making him your prey, pushing him down and taking him until he can’t give you anymore?” Aestuo kissed his neck.

“Not just him.” The vampire replied darkly. The demon laughed.

“I’d like to see you try.” Kurt felt himself suddenly get harder. His fangs unsheathed themselves, he lunged back and then suddenly he was convulsing on the floor, his heart rapidly beating for the first time in weeks until it stopped again as the electricity left his body. “That didn’t take long.” The two demons looked over him. “You want to tell me what happened?”

“I think it was the idea of competition.” Kurt wheezed. The inside of his mouth tasted like battery acid.

“So you like it when your prey fights back then,” Aestuo smirked. Kurt covered his face with his hands in his embarrassment. “Guess you better quit playing sports.”

“My days as a brat tamer are also over then.”

“My condolences,” The smaller demon offered.

“It’s not a huge deal. It’s just always been easier for me to have sex in a more structured way. That way I don’t need to try and intuit what my partner wants from me, we just tell eachother from the outset and I play the role they want me to play.” The two demons looked at eachother.

“Hey, uh Kurt?” Aestuo started.

“Yes, I’ve already been told I’m probably autistic. Multiple times.”

“Oh, thank fuck.”

“Now, you said you wanted me to bite you?” Kurt could feel his mouth watering. He could smell it through the demon’s skin, rich, musky, and almost sulfurous.

“Once again, I’d like to see you try," Aestuo grinned. Kurt let his fangs extend as he pushed himself to his feet. He pounced, crashing his full weight against him and they fell onto the bed. The demon tried to bring his top set of hands up to defend himself but the vampire quickly grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head. Then he quickly pinned the other two sets underneath his legs. Kurt shoved his face against the demon’s neck, he heard Aestuo’s breath catch as he drank in the demon’s scent. Then he opened his mouth and latched onto the demon’s throat.

It was infinitely better than drinking from the bag, he could feel the pulse of the demon’s heart pumping the blood into his mouth, his struggles becoming more and more half hearted. Aestuo moaned as the vampire drank, moving his head to the side to give him better access. Kurt released his arms and the demon wrapped his top set around the back of the vampire's neck holding him in place, while the other four busied themselves removing his clothes. Then, he slid a leg between the vampire’s and began to grind it against his cock.

The animal growled, releasing the demon from his jaws. He knew the breathless adrenal rush of conquest, the sumptuous intoxicating luxury of consumption, but for the animal whose every moment was glorious hedonistic indulgence, sex was a completely novel and exciting form of pleasure.

“I thought you wanted both of us.” Selat draped himself over the vampire’s back and the animal purred. “I’m feeling a little bit left out.” Aestuo reached down and began to work the vampire’s hole open. The animal guided the smaller demon in front of him and began to do the same. He wanted both of his prey to see what he was doing, the larger trapped beneath him, drunk on his bite, the smaller held in his arms about to succumb. The demon in his arms leaned into his touch and submissively exposed his neck. The animal kissed his neck, tasting his skin before biting down. It was then that Aestuo decided to line his cock up against the vampire’s hole. The demon didn’t have time to even think about moving before the animal forced himself down onto him and Selat leaned his head back against the vampire’s shoulders as he began to push inside as well.

The best way the part of Kurt’s mind that hadn’t been overtaken by the animal could describe what he was experiencing was “the most”. The scents of his prey’s skin, the taste of liquid gold in his mouth, the sweet moans from both of both of them as he moved, the tight heat around his cock, the pleasant fullness in his ass, and the warmth of blood flooding back into his veins culminating in the most he had ever felt at once. It would have been overwhelming if it wasn’t all so good, if the taste of blood and feeling of warm bodies against his own cold one hadn’t become like spiced honey, if he wasn’t ready to devour until his teeth ached from the sweetness.

Aestuo came first, his release wrung out of him as he watched the animal have his way with his lover. The vampire refused to let him pull away, continuing to spear himself on the demon’s over-sensitive cock until the smaller one finally came. Only then did the animal finally come, delighting in his own prowess. He released the smaller demon and the three of them laid there for a moment sticky with blood and sweat.

Kurt slowly began to come back to himself and picked up one of the few towels he’d spread out that hadn’t become soaked in blood before beginning to clean some of the mixture of sweat, blood, and cum that clung to his skin. Aestuo watched him as he did.

“You aren’t tired after all that?” The demon looked exhausted.

“I just had about two weeks worth of my blood intake in one night, if anything I’m still a little wired. You on the other hand are likely only tired because you just lost about a liter of blood.”

“Do I get a cookie and a juice box?”

“I’ve got Gatorade and a granola bar.”

“Yeah I guess that’ll work.” Kurt also began to wipe down Selat, still dazed from being bitten. It would have made him feel uncomfortable now that he’d calmed down to see what he’d done to him, the reason the poor man was so dazed and weak was Kurt after all, if not for the goofy fucked out grin that was still on his face. That made the animal glow with pride. Look at what a good job he had done pleasing his prey! That aspect came back to him now, that he’d gotten off on considering them his prey, two sentient beings. Drinking blood was one thing, but considering the donor prey… He couldn’t get into that mindset. He needed to stay grounded in his humanity. He couldn’t let himself become the animal. There had to be a way for him to-

“Hey, stop trying to anthropomorphize yourself.” Aestuo touched Kurt’s arm pulling him out of his spiral.

“What?”

“Stop trying to force human emotional and physical responses onto what you’re feeling right now. You’re not human.”

“I’m not an animal either.”

“No one is saying you are.” Selat said, gently touching the vampire’s wrist. “I understand where you’re coming from.”

“How can you?! It’s awful! I don’t want humans to act the same way around me, I know that I’m dangerous, but at the same time I feel like everyone has been treating me like a rabid dog! I can think, damn it! I’m not just going to start biting people in the street!”

“So it is the way that you are treated and viewed by others that concerns you.” Kurt stared at the demon like he’d grown a second head.

“Of course it is!”

“Let me ask you a clarifying question, do you want to be treated as a human or just as a person?” Selat’s question stopped the doctor in his tracks. “You’d never considered your personhood separately from your humanity before, had you.”

“I-“ He was almost embarrassed about it now.

“It’s alright, it’s not something one considers unless they’ve undergone a fairly drastic existential change.”

“Or you’re an alchemist.” Aestuo added.

“You are still a person,” Selat continued, “but continuing to think as and judge yourself by the same standards as you would a human will only cause you more mental anguish in the long run. Once again that’s not to say you should be running around indulging your every impulse, but that you should understand and accept those instincts or patterns of thoughts so that you can focus on adapting to them, rather than wasting your energy trying to repress them entirely. Trust me, that very quickly becomes exhausting. Now, what specifically made you so upset.”

“That I had been thinking of both of you as prey.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re also people, it’s dehu-“ he corrected himself “objectifying to think about other intelligent creatures like that.”

“You have to consume the blood of intelligent creatures to live, yes?”

“Yes.”

“So then would it not be accurate to say, in a biological sense, that if a creature consumes all or part of another creature to derive sustenance the second creature would be considered the prey of the first.”

“…Yes”

“So then you agree that intelligent creatures, most often but not always humans, are a vampire’s prey.”

“I guess by default yes.”

“Excellent, so then to your point about objectification, at any point in the recently concluded encounter did you lose sight of either of the other parties’ personhood.”

“I didn’t, but doesn’t that make it worse?”

“Whether that does or doesn’t complicate the morality of the thought is not the point up for debate. By your own admission you were fully aware of the other parties’ personhood despite the use of the terminology you’ve deemed objectionable to refer to them, therefore, your point regarding objectification has been proven moot.” Kurt looked at Aestuo in exasperation.

“He’s a lawyer. You’re not getting out of this that easily.” The demon put a comforting hand on his back. “Besides, you hired me to make sure you’re alright to have sex with humans. You can’t exactly say you’ll be a good partner if you’re bringing all your fucking hang ups into bed with you.”

“So once again,” Selat rolled on with his argument. “We’ve established the biological reality of your diet, we’ve established that you do not in fact objectify your partners when you consider them as a potential food source, so I ask you again why did that upset you?”

“I don’t know!”

“Well let’s circle back to my original question, is it because you yourself are discomforted by the idea or because you know a human would be discomforted?” He took a long moment to consider the question.

“…Because a human would be discomforted.”

“And with that knowledge in your mind, how do you actually feel about it?”

“I- could I have some time to think about that?”

“Of course,” Selat yawned. “Getting used to a change of this magnitude is a process. It will likely take decades for you to come to a full understanding of who you are now. Engaging in a dialectic, like the one we just had, helps speed things along, but you’ll still need plenty of time to fully adjust.” Kurt remembered his therapist, afraid of him despite their shared nature, despite the fact that he was supposed to be trying to help him. He didn’t want to end up like that.

“How do I adjust faster?” Selat seemed surprised.

“You have a therapist right?” At the face Kurt made, the demon quickly added, “Oh, I wasn’t going to suggest that you keep seeing them if they aren’t a good fit. I was merely about to suggest you ask for a referral to someone who is a specialist in dialectical behavioral therapy, provided you found the dialectic process helpful.”

“Why are you being so helpful?” He didn’t think demons normally went so far above and beyond in fulfilling their duties.

“Well, to be perfectly honest, Aestuo felt guilty,”

“I thought I was low balling you. Legitimately I would’ve let you off with highlights.”

“For me, however, you remind me of a man I once knew.” Selat idly stroked the Doctor’s thigh. “This other man let his guilt and horror at what he’d become poison decades of his life. Decades that could’ve been far better spent if he had the advantages afforded to modern men.” The demon tried to sit up and then promptly laid back onto the bed, dizzy from blood loss. “You said something about Gatorade?”

“Right!”

After the two demons had cleaned up and gotten sufficiently hydrated, they both decided to stay the night while they recovered and had promptly fallen asleep. Kurt didn’t need to sleep, not anymore. He could if he wanted to, he did sometimes during the day when he was bored, but with this much on his mind, and strange blood in his veins, there was no way he would be able to.

The first thing he did was start recording aspects of his mental state when he felt… that wasn’t accurate. It wasn’t a feeling it was instinct, trying to analyze it like it was an emotion didn’t make sense. If anything, what he had felt had been symptoms of his instinctual behavior. He was still trying to approach his inhuman mind as if he were a human. That was a habit he needed to start breaking. It would only lead to him drawing false conclusions, which would likely lead to him hurting people in the long run. Kurt started to record aspects of his mental state that presented when his prey drive was stimulated: desire to dominate others, irrational feelings of possessiveness, decreased capacity for rational thought, increased sensations of and drive towards pleasure, the state itself having been triggered by an implication of physical struggle. Using the framework of prey drive demystified it a bit. He was something that was designed to prey on intelligent life, it made sense that a physical fight with someone would activate the same neural pathways as feeding. He’d have to drop boxing until he had better command over the instinct.

That was a shame. He liked the viscerality of it, another’s hands on his body and his hands on another’s body, even if it was just to offer and receive pain. Touch was something he craved even before, though the increased sensitivity of his skin had made the need even stronger. His time spent off had brought that need to the surface more strongly than he’d expected. Even at work there were times that he brushed against someone in the hallway or had a warm body pressed against him in a crowded elevator, but in his self induced solitude he was starved for it. Once he finished soaking his towels in vinegar to get the bloodstains out, he crawled back into bed with the two demons. He still didn’t plan on going to sleep, just to lay there and feel the weight of other people. To lie there and know, in this moment at least, he wasn’t alone.

Kurt was the first to rise the next morning. He carefully extricated himself from the cozy tangle of limbs to avoid waking Aestuo and Selat, got dressed in an old college sweatshirt and sweatpants, and started making breakfast. Aestuo walked into the kitchen as he began mincing garlic to put in a frittata.

“That doesn’t bother you?” The demon asked.

“No, the bulbs are fine. The flowers, not so much.” Kurt crushed a clove with the side of his knife and pulled off the skin, the juice making it stick to his fingers.

“You need help with anything?”

“I need a bunch of eggs cracked.”

“How many?”

“About six.” The demon smiled, cracking the knuckles of his six hands. “Not all at once unless you want to be the one picking shells out of the bowl.”

“I can handle it! Just watch!”

After Aestuo finished picking the shells out of the bowl, Kurt poured some olive oil into a cast iron skillet and added in the garlic along with some chopped shallots and spinach along with plenty of salt and pepper. He made this with tomatoes more often than spinach but he figured it was probably better to use something that was more rich in iron. Then he whisked together the eggs, some heavy cream, some goat cheese and poured it over the top once the spinach had wilted and popped it in the oven, taking the time while it cooked to clean up and toss his moka pot onto the stove to make some coffee. He had the demon watch the pot to keep him out of trouble, instructing him to take it off the heat once it started to sputter. Selat stumbled into the kitchen about then, lured by the smell of fresh coffee. Aestuo handed him a small cup, milk, one sugar. The smaller demon accepted gratefully.

“Still dizzy?” The vampire took the skillet out of the oven, put a plate over the top and flipped the whole thing over. He could’ve just put it out in the pan, but he didn’t quite trust Aestuo to behave himself around hot iron.

“No, I’m quite alright now. I’ve just become a tad too reliant on coffee.” He ran a hand through his short dark hair. “Have you thought more about the question I asked you last night?”

“I have.”

“And your answer?”

“Provided the other party gives informed consent, I can’t find a reason to feel guilty about it.”

“You can’t find a reason to but…”

“I do still feel guilty. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help it.”

“Yet,” The demon gently corrected. “You have plenty of time to figure things out after all.”

“Hey uh, you still feel alright by the way?” Aestuo fidgeted with his cup.

“Yes?” Kurt answered slowly, turning it into more of a question. “Why what’s wrong?”

“Well, sometimes, you know, I don't know how often you get cases like this in the emergency room, but sometimes weird shit happens to people who come in contact with demon cum. And you know, that’s usually just topical contact. Basically what I’m trying to say is, you feel weird after drinking all that blood?”

The vampire blinked. He did feel a little bit strange, but not “I need to go to the hospital” strange. It was more like some of the strength he felt at night had remained even as sunlight streamed through the windows. As he stopped to think about it, he felt something unfurling from himself, connecting to something he could feel but couldn’t see out in the world. Hesitantly, he tugged on one of those strings. Suddenly Kurt was looking up at everything from the ground. Aestuo yelled and quickly scooped him off the floor.

“It’s going to be okay! We’re going to get you to a doctor! Shit, maybe a vet?!” Kurt agitatedly clicked at him, he didn’t care for how the demon’s hands had pinned down his wings.

“Oh for The Beloved’s sake, let him go!” Selat cut himself a piece of the frittata, completely unbothered by the fact that the man he’d slept with the previous night had turned into a bat. Aestuo put the Doctor down on a chair.

“Sorry.”

“Do you think you can turn back by yourself?” Selat asked. Kurt nodded. He felt along the thread of magic again and he was back in his own body.

“Oh my god!” He laughed. He felt along the thread again, transforming into a bat and back again. Then he continued to experiment, shifting into the form of a wolf, then a cloud of mist, then back to himself. “This is amazing!”

“This is really amazing,” Selat said around a mouth of frittata, pointing at his plate with a fork.

“I thought you weren’t able to do much magic?!” Aestuo asked excitedly.

“I wasn’t! I was god awful at it!”

“Transfiguration is some pretty advanced shit though!”

“I know! That’s what’s so crazy about it!”

“It’s likely the blood.” Selat crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair. “Vampires derive strength and life from the blood they consume. It makes sense that something would happen to you after drinking the blood of a demon lord” he pointed at himself, “and a demon prince,” he gestured towards Aestuo. Kurt felt an idea scratching at the back of his mind.

“I know that look.” Aestuo smirked. “Somebody’s discovered his lust for power.”

“You’ve got the wrong idea.”

“I don’t think I do. There’s nothing wrong with it, you know. Wanting to improve yourself isn’t a sin, as long as you don’t start stepping on people to get where you want to go. I think there are plenty of demons who’d be willing to give up a little blood for the right price.” Aestuo kissed his neck and the animal- no he couldn’t pretend it was something separate from him, it was him. Aestuo kissed his neck and Kurt purred, his fangs already lengthening slightly at the prospect of more demon blood. “Maybe next time you’ll be able to hold me down without me going easy on you.”

“Come on now, stop teasing the poor man.” Selat kicked Aestuo’s leg jokingly.

“Seriously though,” The large demon’s eyes darkened, “if you want power, take it. Let the hands of my kin lift you until you can feel the world’s heart in your teeth. Gorge yourself on blood until your body overflows with magic.” As Aestuo smiled he showed his long sharp fangs and Kurt remembered why he had been afraid of him.

“Remember, dearest, not everyone is quite so ambitious as you.” Selat chided. “Take things at your own pace, Doctor. It’s better you give yourself time to adjust when you need to, rather than barreling full steam ahead like this one, not that that’s a bad thing, my love.” Selat wrapped his tail affectionately around Aestuo’s leg. The demon’s phone rang. Selat took a look at the screen and sighed. “Work.” He picked up. “Hello? Yes, it's me. Now? Yes, yes, I’ll be available in a moment.” He hung up. “Something has come up at the firm with a previous contract.”

“You gotta go?” Aestuo asked sympathetically.

“Unfortunately yes.”

“I should probably head home with you. Gotta check in with the boss.” The demon prince looked down towards the vampire. “If you need any advice give me a call.” He kissed his forehead, before both disappeared.

Kurt’s therapist seemed relieved when he asked for a referral during their next session. Though he did stiffen slightly at his mention of looking for someone who specialized in DBT. Apparently there was only one state certified vampire adjustment clinician that did, luckily she lived in the same city. His therapist had warned against seeing her though, describing her as “needlessly combative”. Kurt paid him no mind though. He would take a goddamn vampire hunter over somebody that jumped every time he sneezed.

Her office was a little further away from his apartment, but it wasn’t like that was much of an issue anymore. He’d found that as a bat, he could fly as fast as a car, and certainly faster than one stuck in urban traffic. No more taking the train for him. He had been mildly concerned about falcons at first, but they seemed to be able to sense what he was and gave him plenty of space to go about his business. Though he did catch the attention of birdwatchers occasionally, making them wonder what a bat was doing flying around in broad daylight. It took Kurt a moment to find somewhere to transform back when he arrived. It wasn’t that it took very long, it only took about a second, he just didn’t feel like causing a scene. When he got inside the building he checked the names on the guide on the wall until he found hers, Doctor Rachel Klein.

Doctor Klein was an austere older woman who kept her graying hair pinned back in a tight bun. She regarded him with a gaze that was wary, but not frightened. The animal part of his brain recognized the distinction now. If anything it looked like she was ready to rip out her hair pin and stab him in the throat if things went south. Still not ideal, but better than cowering. She at least had a reason to be wary of him, she was fully human. She looked him up and down.

“You’re the patient Doctor Parker referred to me?” The tone of voice in which she asked the question suggested more confusion than desire for confirmation.

“Yes, I’m not what you expected?” There were two chairs set up, one close to her’s, one slightly further. He picked the further chair.

“I don’t find it useful to have any preconceived expectations of my patients.” She paused for a moment considering something. “Do you know what you’re here to be treated for?”

“I’m supposed to receive counseling regarding my recent transformation into a vampire as well as anger issues possibly stemming from depression.” She raised an eyebrow slightly. Kurt wasn’t sure why though, he hadn’t said anything inaccurate. She looked down at his chart for a moment, squinting her eyes and then put it down on her lap face down.

“Why don’t you tell me a little about your background first.”

“I’m a surgeon, specializing in patients with major trauma.”

“That’s a difficult field to work in, long hours, high patient mortality. What drew you to it?” She folded her hands.

“When I was in medical school, there were a lot of guys there that wanted to be cardiologists, or plastic surgeons, or orthopedic surgeons. Some of the more ambitious ones even went for neurosurgery or anesthesiology. You know why right?”

“Because they make a lot of money?”

“Because they make an obscene amount of money and they have decent hours. You know what nobody wanted to do?”

“Psychiatry and Emergency Surgery?”

“Psychiatry and Emergency Surgery. Because you don’t get paid quite as well, your hours are awful, and you only ever see your patients at their absolute worst. That always annoyed me though. I never understood it. I became a doctor because I wanted to help people, and while I’m not trying to downplay the good work of cardiologists and orthopedic surgeons, I always thought it was utterly insane to look down on the doctors that saw the patients that needed their help the most. Even if I’m just holding their hand while they die because their family hasn’t gotten there yet, or a patient dies while we’re operating, at least I can say I tried, instead of sitting around the water cooler loudly proclaiming how glad I am that I don’t work in the emergency room.” He clenched his fists before releasing them. No use getting mad at someone who wasn’t here.

“Can you tell me about how you were turned?” She asked. Kurt told her. He didn’t spare any details aside from the names of patients. It didn’t make any sense to hide anything, it was probably all in his chart anyway. When he finished describing the circumstances that had led him to decide to kill Doctor Hall, going through the agonizing thought process that had led him to make the decision, she breathed in sharply through her nose.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, continue.” He did, going through his desperate decision to summon Aestuo and how he had killed Doctor Hall. She took off her glasses, folding them in her hands.

“Were you told anything about my background when you were referred to me, Doctor Łaska?”

“No, the only thing my therapist told me was that you were ‘needlessly combative’.”

“Ha! Maybe. Especially when I’m speaking to him.” She turned her glasses over in her hands. “My parents were part of a cult. The kind of group that promises free love and then asks you to empty your wallet into their account. The leader was a vampire, an old country traditionalist who preferred the blood of virgins.” She scratched her neck. “If I’d known anything about magic at the time, I don’t know if I would’ve gone as far as you did, but I probably would have killed him.” She saw the unspoken question written on his face. “I can read auras. It helps with the work. Don’t ask me to tell you what yours looks like though, they’re difficult to describe to someone who can’t see them.”

“I’m going to guess Doctor Parker had a different opinion.”

“Doctor Parker came at your case with a fundamental misunderstanding, he saw what you’d done as a calculated, well planned murder not an act of utter desperation.”

“I guess that would explain why he was so afraid of me.”

“You don’t seem particularly surprised.”

“Even if it was done in desperation it was still murder. He had a right to be afraid of me as a vampire.”

“As a vampire?”

“I’d just killed one with my bare hands.”

“While borrowing the strength of a demon.”

“I’m strong enough on my own now.”

“So you think strength is what causes fear.”

“No, people used to pick fights with me in bars all the time because they wanted to prove they had the balls to do it. Strength and the threat of violence causes fear.”

“Did you threaten him?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why would he think that you presented a threat?”

“Because I’ve committed violence in the past.”

“More than the one time you told me about?”

“No.”

“So he had no reason to think there was a pattern of violent behavior.”

“No.”

“So why would he have any reason to think you’d be violent?”

“Because-“ Kurt paused. He couldn’t think of a reason.

“Doctor Łaska, do you think I gave a right to be afraid of you?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a vampire. I have the right to be afraid of wooden stakes, don’t I?”

“Have you bitten anyone without consent since you were turned.”

“No.”

“Then you can’t say that you’re a dangerous vampire.”

“Aren’t all vampires by definition dangerous?”

“Aren’t all humans?” He fell quiet again trying to think of an answer. “Therapy only works if we trust each other. Most of the time you hear it the other way around, but a therapist still needs to be able to trust their patient. You’re here, you filled out all of that paperwork when you could’ve just pretended nothing happened and gone about your life. I trust that you did all of that because you don’t want to be a danger to others. Now what is it exactly you want to work on?”

“I want to work on identifying and curbing my prey drive.” The therapist raised her eyebrows.

“That’s an odd way to refer to it.”

“A friend of mine cautioned me against anthropomorphizing myself. Prey drive makes the most sense for something that’s largely an instinctual response. That doesn’t mean I can’t work on tamping it down when it comes up, but it’s still an instinct. It doesn’t make sense to attribute intent to it that isn’t there.”

“What do you mean when you say you were cautioned against anthropomorphizing yourself?”

“My friend, he went through something similar, but a long time ago. He thinks that personhood and humanity aren’t necessarily the same thing. I’m still a person, right? I still have thoughts and feelings, but I’m not human. Not everything that I think or feel or experience bodily will line up one to one with the human experience, so it’s better to avoid thinking of myself in human terms when it no longer makes sense.”

“That’s a mature take on the existential problem you’re facing, but is it one that you can wrap your head around yet?” He felt the power still thrumming under his skin, the magic connecting him to the fabric of the world. Given the option, he didn’t think he would ever decide to become human again.

“I can wrap my head around it.” Doctor Klein took a deep breath.

“We’re running out of time, but I don’t think you need to be on medication.”

“You don’t?”

“Doctor Parker decided you needed meds just based on low affect and difficulty with emotional regulation?” He nodded.

“You don’t need meds, though I think you ought to see a neurologist if you’re comfortable with that.” Ah…